He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
