Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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