I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
