What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
