Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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