There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
