I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
