Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
