Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
