Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
