mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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