my phone needs a breathalizer
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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