textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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