it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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