By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
