dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
