My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the condom got lost in my hair
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
