i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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