Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
