How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
