I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
