when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
