Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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