i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
