i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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