I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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