Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Couch. On fire.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
