He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
