I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
