being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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