The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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