Texts From Last Night · BerthaJo's Favorites

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BerthaJo's Favorites Texts:

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(812): View more from Indiana

Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

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(847): View more from Illinois

Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(504): View more from Louisiana

That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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(410): View more from Maryland

My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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(850): View more from Florida

My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?

(1-850): View more from Florida

It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(+90): View more from Turkey

I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.

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(631): View more from New York

I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(256): View more from Alabama

The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

even the AIR tastes like tequila.

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(281): View more from Texas

Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(716): View more from New York

I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night

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(785): View more from Kansas

Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.

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(585): View more from New York

Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(804): View more from Virginia

I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon

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(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache

(225): View more from Louisiana

You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice

(504): View more from Louisiana

Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?

(225): View more from Louisiana

I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....

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(225): View more from Louisiana

you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?

(504): View more from Louisiana

im sorry, i don't get text messages.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

what day is it and did you see me today?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(214): View more from Texas

Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(352): View more from Florida

Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.

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(925): View more from California

I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom

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(316): View more from Kansas

Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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(352): View more from Florida

... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(530): View more from California

She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(281): View more from Texas

It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.

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(682): View more from Texas

I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(512): View more from Texas

You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.

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(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

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(801): View more from Utah

Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?

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(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(253): View more from Washington

No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions

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(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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(561): View more from Florida

how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken

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(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think we should have started that trash fire

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(753): View more from

He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?

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(727): View more from Florida

Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.

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(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better

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(812): View more from Indiana

Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time

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(205): View more from Alabama

Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will fight anything that is not spinning right now

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...

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(519): View more from Ontario

like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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(229): View more from Georgia

They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME

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(940): View more from Texas

I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.

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(678): View more from Georgia

As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(361): View more from Texas

Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(415): View more from California

Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

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(516): View more from New York

matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(705): View more from Ontario

What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking

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(415): View more from California

Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point

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(734): View more from Michigan

I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(503): View more from Oregon

you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you

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(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function

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(702): View more from Nevada

we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.

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(619): View more from California

FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??

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(605): View more from South Dakota

After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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(520): View more from Arizona

Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(989): View more from Michigan

A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

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(214): View more from Texas

So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea

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(419): View more from Ohio

On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(509): View more from Washington

I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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(503): View more from Oregon

If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(210): View more from Texas

i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon

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(302): View more from Delaware

Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(940): View more from Texas

I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

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(360): View more from Washington

You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?

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(571): View more from Virginia

we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(614): View more from Ohio

story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning

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(613): View more from Ontario

We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(561): View more from Florida

They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he quoted the bible to break up with me

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(209): View more from California

I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

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(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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(707): View more from California

I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.

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(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

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