Texts From Last Night · cartoonswagger's Favorites

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cartoonswagger's Favorites Texts:

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(562): View more from California

I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(831): View more from California

I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(260): View more from Indiana

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(602): View more from Arizona

This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears

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(303): View more from Colorado

The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage

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(719): View more from Colorado

Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.

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(626): View more from California

Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(925): View more from California

It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.

(503): View more from Oregon

Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?

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(804): View more from Virginia

third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

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(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

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(559): View more from California

Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(815): View more from Illinois

he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(718): View more from New York

Barsexuality is the new black.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(858): View more from California

Do you think there is vodka in heaven?

(619): View more from California

you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity

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(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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(641): View more from Iowa

she has no idea who harrison ford is.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(616): View more from Michigan

HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.

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(817): View more from Texas

just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(616): View more from Michigan

You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.

(248): View more from Michigan

no

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(408): View more from California

Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(708): View more from Illinois

what are we doing this weekend?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(916): View more from California

the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

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(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

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(530): View more from California

We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?

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(313): View more from Michigan

i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Really stoned

(440): View more from Ohio

just sent my roommate on a cheese run

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.

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(310): View more from California

I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

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(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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(740): View more from Ohio

no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob

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(618): View more from Illinois

Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!

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(217): View more from Illinois

I feel a five day drunk coming on.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): View more from Minnesota

Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(661): View more from California

I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it

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(616): View more from Michigan

If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(937): View more from Ohio

he is so annoying

(513): View more from Ohio

so stop sleeping with him

(937): View more from Ohio

yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

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(727): View more from Florida

Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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(801): View more from Utah

Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(850): View more from Florida

I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(706): View more from Georgia

well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.

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(925): View more from California

I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(623): View more from Arizona

So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(+44): View more from England

He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just cropdusted the office

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(303): View more from Colorado

marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(352): View more from Florida

I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.

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(516): View more from New York

I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

sounds like you fell off the wagon.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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(205): View more from Alabama

it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(512): View more from Texas

You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(409): View more from Texas

i wish i coudl send you meat via computure

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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(541): View more from Oregon

we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(205): View more from Alabama

we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(941): View more from Florida

I really should sober up and deal with this hangover

(941): View more from Florida

It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though

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(817): View more from Texas

I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(317): View more from Indiana

You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me

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(516): View more from New York

is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

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(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(239): View more from Florida

im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(315): View more from New York

i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV

(802): View more from Vermont

you're the only one i would trust to do that

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.

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(562): View more from California

Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(310): View more from California

I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(716): View more from New York

just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"

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(210): View more from Texas

she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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(641): View more from Iowa

I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(503): View more from Oregon

But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

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(614): View more from Ohio

I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

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(563): View more from Iowa

when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She does have a great personality.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

Yeah, in her vagina.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(585): View more from New York

i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(+35): View more from

I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(305): View more from Florida

You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(206): View more from Washington

Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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(661): View more from California

Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half

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(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE

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(207): View more from Maine

she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(775): View more from Nevada

I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(407): View more from Florida

Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(209): View more from California

Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(712): View more from Iowa

the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(707): View more from California

I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.

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(310): View more from California

something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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(770): View more from Georgia

To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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(845): View more from New York

you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(214): View more from Texas

My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(571): View more from Virginia

I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.

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(916): View more from California

rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(845): View more from New York

the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(706): View more from Georgia

thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(443): View more from Maryland

And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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(810): View more from Michigan

none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(305): View more from Florida

what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(970): View more from Colorado

in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.

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(650): View more from California

That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.

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