Texts From Last Night · jessemh431's Favorites

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(207): View more from Maine

i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(415): View more from California

Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(517): View more from Michigan

i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

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(716): View more from New York

I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?

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(613): View more from Ontario

you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(315): View more from New York

i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today

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(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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(415): View more from California

I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(406): View more from Montana

One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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(720): View more from Colorado

He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(310): View more from California

I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(914): View more from New York

I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(765): View more from Indiana

you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(248): View more from Michigan

whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

be more specific...?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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(515): View more from Iowa

at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(719): View more from Colorado

You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(904): View more from Florida

Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(415): View more from California

had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what?how do you know?

(318): View more from Louisiana

it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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(415): View more from California

Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling

(415): View more from California

God, I love San Francisco.

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(415): View more from California

there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping

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(415): View more from California

I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

(415): View more from California

everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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(415): View more from California

So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

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(415): View more from California

Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(415): View more from California

this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(817): View more from Texas

They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(518): View more from New York

no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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