Texts From Last Night · just2quirky's Favorites

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(682): View more from Texas

Okay so I just had a really great idea

(817): View more from Texas

no.

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(954): View more from Florida

On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?

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(716): View more from New York

I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?

(303): View more from Colorado

They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i think im in europe. pls send help

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(707): View more from California

This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....

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(+61): View more from Australia

Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How's Vegas?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?

(226): View more from Ontario

Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?

(647): View more from Ontario

Oh definitely.

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(512): View more from Texas

You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...

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(315): View more from New York

I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.

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(850): View more from Florida

We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are all done wearing pants today

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(+33): View more from France

Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??

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(937): View more from Ohio

Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(847): View more from Illinois

The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.

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(310): View more from California

Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?

(951): View more from California

You told me to go grocery shopping.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."

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(406): View more from Montana

Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband

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(647): View more from Ontario

you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great

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(518): View more from New York

Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

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(317): View more from Indiana

did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?

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(212): View more from New York

We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.

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(212): View more from New York

be right there i have to get my cape

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(323): View more from California

Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.

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(415): View more from California

You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): View more from Maryland

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

Why do you think I have a job?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling

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(425): View more from Washington

I am thankful for thumbs.

(425): View more from Washington

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425): View more from Washington

Land dolphins.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

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(512): View more from Texas

I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

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(469): View more from Texas

The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.

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(805): View more from California

I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

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(218): View more from Minnesota

In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it

(317): View more from Indiana

is it necessary to steal the whole car?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(310): View more from California

This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?

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(212): View more from New York

When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

....you got kicked INTO a party??

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(616): View more from Michigan

We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened

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(719): View more from Colorado

I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree

(1-719): View more from Colorado

it happenes

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(914): View more from New York

answer my text you professional douchebag

(914): View more from New York

and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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(773): View more from Illinois

there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

The tryst?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.

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(806): View more from Texas

Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(707): View more from California

I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and you were wondering how she got into Harvard

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(925): View more from California

Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

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(216): View more from Ohio

then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can give you five reasons its your baby

(978): View more from Massachusetts

and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.

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(845): View more from New York

So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Made up a full house drinking game

(216): View more from Ohio

On my way.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari

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(201): View more from New Jersey

SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS

(845): View more from New York

Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...

(614): View more from Ohio

Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(325): View more from Texas

But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): View more from Texas

Vodka.

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(239): View more from Florida

How drunk do you guys plan on getting?

(1-239): View more from Florida

We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(289): View more from Ontario

"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(727): View more from Florida

I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club

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(317): View more from Indiana

Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(419): View more from Ohio

So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.

(404): View more from Georgia

Clearly, you already have. Both of them.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(475): View more from Connecticut

So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator

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(707): View more from California

DON'T WEAR PANTS.

(707): View more from California

I REPEAT.

(707): View more from California

DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I wearing a dog collar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.

(313): View more from Michigan

Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final

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(713): View more from Texas

I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.

(503): View more from Oregon

I'm on the job.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Sure. But we have to be quiet.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Ninja mode activated

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(209): View more from California

I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

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(224): View more from Illinois

Is it rude if I don't go?

(248): View more from Michigan

No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Yeah. It's not just the beard either.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.

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(734): View more from Michigan

all my money is vodka money

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have never read a truer sentence.

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(512): View more from Texas

Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?

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(210): View more from Texas

First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat

(818): View more from California

You had me at first table

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup

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(907): View more from Alaska

There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I wholeheartedly concur

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(917): View more from New York City

New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(313): View more from Michigan

From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.

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(310): View more from California

When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"

(1-616): View more from Michigan

I think you were raised by the wrong sister

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(806): View more from Texas

I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.

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(509): View more from Washington

In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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(239): View more from Florida

And I might get them triple pierced after that

(631): View more from New York

Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(239): View more from Florida

I wish I could drop acid with the muppets

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(239): View more from Florida

I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them

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(301): View more from Maryland

You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there

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(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?

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(858): View more from California

He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you want to do any of that?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.

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(616): View more from Michigan

just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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(516): View more from New York

Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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(747): View more from California

That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!

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(812): View more from Indiana

You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much

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(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.

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(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.

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(702): View more from Nevada

there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...

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(647): View more from Ontario

How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

(416): View more from Toronto

Formal letter or email.

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(915): View more from Texas

My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.

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(707): View more from California

I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?

(650): View more from California

There is so much wrong with that sentence

(707): View more from California

Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.

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(616): View more from Michigan

how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i think we need a new approach.

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(626): View more from California

I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?

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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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(775): View more from Nevada

He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.

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(319): View more from Iowa

"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(428): View more from

Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman

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(630): View more from Illinois

How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

The pool is covered.....

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Like that would stop me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

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(914): View more from New York

He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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(951): View more from California

Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents

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(925): View more from California

We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys

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(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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(303): View more from Colorado

Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?

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(431): View more from

Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...

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(757): View more from Virginia

Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(314): View more from Missouri

Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.

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(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

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(309): View more from Illinois

Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

(860): View more from Connecticut

Tuesday

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We were destined to go to rehab together

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(810): View more from Michigan

So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.

(989): View more from Michigan

this is the most serious roommate agreement ever

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(254): View more from Texas

I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..

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(719): View more from Colorado

The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.

(719): View more from Colorado

This has been a Party Success Story

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table

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(571): View more from Virginia

In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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(512): View more from Texas

I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?

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(231): View more from Michigan

Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.

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(214): View more from Texas

Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight

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(770): View more from Georgia

If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.

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(561): View more from Florida

So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.

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(740): View more from Ohio

No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

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(616): View more from Michigan

Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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(519): View more from Ontario

University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."

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(518): View more from New York

I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(847): View more from Illinois

If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...

(860): View more from Connecticut

the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you

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(561): View more from Florida

Woke up in time for my 8:15

(518): View more from New York

Good for you I'm impressed

(561): View more from Florida

I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(239): View more from Florida

Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?

(406): View more from Montana

Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(516): View more from New York

Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

(917): View more from New York City

An adult?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...

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(714): View more from California

Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(817): View more from Texas

I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

(512): View more from Texas

Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.

(574): View more from Indiana

Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.

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(317): View more from Indiana

This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.

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(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years

(614): View more from Ohio

Not as covert as you thought huh?

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

(254): View more from Texas

It's 2 pm....

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

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(778): View more from British Columbia

First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(443): View more from Maryland

How's my date look?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Like a retarded elf

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In a good way

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(954): View more from Florida

i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

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(563): View more from Iowa

Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?

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(812): View more from Indiana

gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"

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(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(941): View more from Florida

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(614): View more from Ohio

And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(361): View more from Texas

Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

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(276): View more from Virginia

They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?

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(516): View more from New York

We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus

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(913): View more from Kansas

just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

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(636): View more from Missouri

PS: I just woke up from my shower

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm driving while wearing hulk hands

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.

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(206): View more from Washington

Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.

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(619): View more from California

He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.

(760): View more from California

Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.

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(251): View more from Alabama

when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight

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(207): View more from Maine

Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

You would never do this sober.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(925): View more from California

also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you know how to give stiches?

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I do not...this text concerns me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher

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(626): View more from California

I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

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(219): View more from Indiana

We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(510): View more from California

I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum

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(416): View more from Toronto

Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(949): View more from California

Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

(562): View more from California

The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(206): View more from Washington

The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

(909): View more from California

Whaaaaaat? No way.

(206): View more from Washington

Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.

(571): View more from Virginia

I'd say they're off to a great start!

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(301): View more from Maryland

I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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(850): View more from Florida

Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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(696): View more from

Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?

(451): View more from

Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes

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(303): View more from Colorado

idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(808): View more from Hawaii

At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?

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(714): View more from California

I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."

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(831): View more from California

im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My balls are so social today.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(940): View more from Texas

She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

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(+33): View more from France

So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

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(559): View more from California

I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(518): View more from New York

You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(847): View more from Illinois

Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(706): View more from Georgia

He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(845): View more from New York

Just got motor boated by a horse in the street

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(801): View more from Utah

I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.

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(514): View more from Quebec

The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.

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(319): View more from Iowa

captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(805): View more from California

Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(301): View more from Maryland

i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.

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(314): View more from Missouri

sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire

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(253): View more from Washington

i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(425): View more from Washington

This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

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(802): View more from Vermont

All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

no more duck duck goose at the bar

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(925): View more from California

Did we literally take a cab across the street

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(361): View more from Texas

I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.

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(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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(360): View more from Washington

In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip

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(410): View more from Maryland

still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..

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(630): View more from Illinois

hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

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(631): View more from New York

Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.

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(415): View more from California

I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.

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(646): View more from New York

Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(317): View more from Indiana

and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(914): View more from New York

so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(330): View more from Ohio

Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(614): View more from Ohio

story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(801): View more from Utah

Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.

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(01): View more from

He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

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(941): View more from Florida

Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he's my edward cullen

(770): View more from Georgia

I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(407): View more from Florida

I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.

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(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.

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(206): View more from Washington

Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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(916): View more from California

They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(519): View more from Ontario

Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.

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(516): View more from New York

There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(512): View more from Texas

The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?

(319): View more from Iowa

Yes. For all mankind please do.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(785): View more from Kansas

A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(704): View more from North Carolina

happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash

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(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(317): View more from Indiana

There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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(404): View more from Georgia

best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.

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(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...

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(804): View more from Virginia

Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great

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(571): View more from Virginia

dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are paw prints all over my ceiling.

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(323): View more from California

Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

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(409): View more from Texas

so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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(214): View more from Texas

in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

(469): View more from Texas

Pride?

(214): View more from Texas

thats a pack of cougars

(469): View more from Texas

go fuck yourself

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I think i sorta joined a cult last night

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(805): View more from California

My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.

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(310): View more from California

Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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(972): View more from Texas

So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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(806): View more from Texas

Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(415): View more from California

i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(646): View more from New York

All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(317): View more from Indiana

How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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(519): View more from Ontario

you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

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(419): View more from Ohio

More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.

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(330): View more from Ohio

beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(507): View more from Minnesota

security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.

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(805): View more from California

WHY are the edges of my bra charred???

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(813): View more from Florida

literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source

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(515): View more from Iowa

In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(845): View more from New York

Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(952): View more from Minnesota

pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(562): View more from California

bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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(773): View more from Illinois

She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(817): View more from Texas

2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

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(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(619): View more from California

He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(951): View more from California

Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(909): View more from California

According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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(817): View more from Texas

he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(530): View more from California

Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(419): View more from Ohio

How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(219): View more from Indiana

community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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(916): View more from California

He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(501): View more from Arkansas

What happened to him?

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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(727): View more from Florida

Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(802): View more from Vermont

My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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(650): View more from California

I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(541): View more from Oregon

You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(620): View more from Kansas

In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mattress luging...It's a long story.

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(705): View more from Ontario

From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(323): View more from California

Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(361): View more from Texas

She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(574): View more from Indiana

He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(678): View more from Georgia

NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

(404): View more from Georgia

YES.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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(214): View more from Texas

a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(574): View more from Indiana

almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(347): View more from New York

Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(212): View more from New York

I heard we made out

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(260): View more from Indiana

My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(702): View more from Nevada

as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(214): View more from Texas

Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

(301): View more from Maryland

Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(210): View more from Texas

spencer pratt says his family invinted chess

(1-210): View more from Texas

that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

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(904): View more from Florida

I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.

(1-904): View more from Florida

It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

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(310): View more from California

i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(601): View more from Mississippi

"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(323): View more from California

it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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(703): View more from Virginia

no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

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(954): View more from Florida

It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week

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(706): View more from Georgia

She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(406): View more from Montana

What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.

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(212): View more from New York

It's never good when you wake up covered with burns

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(678): View more from Georgia

yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(954): View more from Florida

Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.

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(954): View more from Florida

My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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(816): View more from Missouri

YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(802): View more from Vermont

PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Do you have a shampoo for semen

(604): View more from British Columbia

Or a time machine

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(303): View more from Colorado

woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

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(914): View more from New York

We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

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(417): View more from Missouri

when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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(754): View more from Florida

You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(714): View more from California

DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"

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(619): View more from California

If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

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(407): View more from Florida

I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(574): View more from Indiana

there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(757): View more from Virginia

There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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(585): View more from New York

we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

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(914): View more from New York

how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes

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(941): View more from Florida

Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

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(574): View more from Indiana

some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

(1-574): View more from Indiana

class

(574): View more from Indiana

he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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(254): View more from Texas

you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.

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(212): View more from New York

I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK

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(334): View more from Alabama

They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day

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(563): View more from Iowa

you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(903): View more from Texas

I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): View more from Texas

kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in 10

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

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(716): View more from New York

Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(812): View more from Indiana

After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(417): View more from Missouri

My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(703): View more from Virginia

He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

That's not a bad idea, actually...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(206): View more from Washington

I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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(504): View more from Louisiana

insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(518): View more from New York

I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes

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(410): View more from Maryland

He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.

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(818): View more from California

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(909): View more from California

Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Your favorite bartender is back from prision

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(213): View more from California

Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

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(559): View more from California

With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?

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(619): View more from California

Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...

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(415): View more from California

well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart

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(301): View more from Maryland

please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(647): View more from Ontario

So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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(440): View more from Ohio

This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(315): View more from New York

well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

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(607): View more from New York

I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.

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(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(309): View more from Illinois

so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

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(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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(785): View more from Kansas

it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(650): View more from California

you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(702): View more from Nevada

omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart

(281): View more from Texas

What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?

(660): View more from Missouri

Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni

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(803): View more from South Carolina

What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(704): View more from North Carolina

we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over

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(512): View more from Texas

I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(858): View more from California

Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.

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(650): View more from California

Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.

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(305): View more from Florida

She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(254): View more from Texas

just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(714): View more from California

We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(915): View more from Texas

You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking

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(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."

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(703): View more from Virginia

She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...

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(517): View more from Michigan

Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

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(714): View more from California

why do cheetos always look like penises

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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(330): View more from Ohio

hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

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(954): View more from Florida

can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?

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(905): View more from Toronto

when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(315): View more from New York

if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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(+07): View more from

tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(510): View more from California

come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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(661): View more from California

Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

(1-661): View more from California

What the hell did you do last night?!

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(716): View more from New York

I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.

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(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(616): View more from Michigan

a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning

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(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(607): View more from New York

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(314): View more from Missouri

I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(915): View more from Texas

My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(812): View more from Indiana

Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??

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(480): View more from Arizona

Come see our sink grown plant.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(816): View more from Missouri

believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?

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(478): View more from Georgia

closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(647): View more from Ontario

ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(512): View more from Texas

Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(410): View more from Maryland

Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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(251): View more from Alabama

if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(631): View more from New York

being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

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(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(305): View more from Florida

If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(208): View more from Idaho

just looked at his mug shot... not really my type

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(515): View more from Iowa

"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(727): View more from Florida

I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(386): View more from Florida

her nipple to breast ratio was just odd

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(650): View more from California

If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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