Texts From Last Night · natalie315's Favorites

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natalie315's Favorites Texts:

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(517): View more from Michigan

dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

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(077): View more from

it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(813): View more from Florida

he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(616): View more from Michigan

He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(540): View more from Virginia

Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(818): View more from California

I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

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(818): View more from California

You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.

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(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(314): View more from Missouri

dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

haha like two months ago

(314): View more from Missouri

i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

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(936): View more from Texas

She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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(818): View more from California

I regularly think about how cool your nickname is

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(720): View more from Colorado

It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(708): View more from Illinois

i dedicated my morning wood to you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations

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(303): View more from Colorado

then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I tried to use my car keys to open my door

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I just started a sentence with yellow.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(323): View more from California

Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"

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(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

(339): View more from Massachusetts

Oh yeah that.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(661): View more from California

I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(818): View more from California

i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

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(818): View more from California

The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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(301): View more from Maryland

the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.

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(863): View more from Florida

If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.

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(310): View more from California

I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(305): View more from Florida

We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(443): View more from Maryland

apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My liver just broke up with me...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(850): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What? You're not speaking real words.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(718): View more from New York

im getting my college education on yahoo answers.

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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