Texts From Last Night · wben6969's Favorites

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wben6969's Favorites Texts:

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.

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(585): View more from New York

Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better

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(469): View more from Texas

Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.

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(443): View more from Maryland

If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think

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(801): View more from Utah

Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Shame tastes like burnetts and latex

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.

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(845): View more from New York

Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(574): View more from Indiana

all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked

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(847): View more from Illinois

I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.

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(707): View more from California

I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(404): View more from Georgia

there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn

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(519): View more from Ontario

I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im sober

(920): View more from Wisconsin

you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.

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(516): View more from New York

why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I like the way you think.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe

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(206): View more from Washington

the night ended with taco bell and tears

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(626): View more from California

yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(618): View more from Illinois

We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket

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(949): View more from California

Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you

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(605): View more from South Dakota

the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(513): View more from Ohio

constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(909): View more from California

The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

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(415): View more from California

He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished

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(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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(509): View more from Washington

idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(310): View more from California

It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(716): View more from New York

Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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(904): View more from Florida

You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(315): View more from New York

How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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(435): View more from Utah

Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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(858): View more from California

this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me

(619): View more from California

that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(813): View more from Florida

Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?

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(516): View more from New York

PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus

(1-317): View more from Indiana

tequila?

(317): View more from Indiana

yep

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...

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(244): View more from

There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(432): View more from Texas

This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.

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(928): View more from Arizona

If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"

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(623): View more from Arizona

I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(970): View more from Colorado

She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.

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(406): View more from Montana

Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(425): View more from Washington

I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt

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(716): View more from New York

Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.

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(571): View more from Virginia

you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(778): View more from British Columbia

nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(480): View more from Arizona

you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Um. I literally have no words.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.

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(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?

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(217): View more from Illinois

There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(443): View more from Maryland

a queef is a wish your heart makes.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.

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(313): View more from Michigan

How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip

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(702): View more from Nevada

i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.

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(415): View more from California

So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(212): View more from New York

Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.

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(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(801): View more from Utah

I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(330): View more from Ohio

She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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(727): View more from Florida

You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up

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(334): View more from Alabama

If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(916): View more from California

Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(904): View more from Florida

you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(916): View more from California

You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(516): View more from New York

If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

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(440): View more from Ohio

Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?

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(214): View more from Texas

I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Speaking is such a hard concept right now

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(727): View more from Florida

don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.

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(847): View more from Illinois

What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(360): View more from Washington

just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me you're kidding.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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(254): View more from Texas

The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.

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(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.

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(310): View more from California

Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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(406): View more from Montana

Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?

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(210): View more from Texas

If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(239): View more from Florida

im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(806): View more from Texas

Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.

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(512): View more from Texas

It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(530): View more from California

Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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(909): View more from California

Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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(678): View more from Georgia

ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story

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(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(213): View more from California

Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.

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(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(410): View more from Maryland

How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science

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(734): View more from Michigan

you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(760): View more from California

Houston, we have a blender

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.

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(+84): View more from

The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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(209): View more from California

Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(914): View more from New York

Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(816): View more from Missouri

apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom

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(314): View more from Missouri

Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers

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(417): View more from Missouri

In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.

(317): View more from Indiana

I know, she tried to drink it

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(863): View more from Florida

I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(713): View more from Texas

On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(410): View more from Maryland

The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(646): View more from New York

Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(615): View more from Tennessee

This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?

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(714): View more from California

For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

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(817): View more from Texas

Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today

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(716): View more from New York

Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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(619): View more from California

definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius

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(250): View more from British Columbia

After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(425): View more from Washington

Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

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(516): View more from New York

well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(925): View more from California

We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor

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(623): View more from Arizona

My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(623): View more from Arizona

im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(406): View more from Montana

drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.

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(573): View more from Missouri

There's always time for handjobs

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(941): View more from Florida

Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(407): View more from Florida

I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So squirting runs in the family.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

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(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(713): View more from Texas

in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do

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(515): View more from Iowa

IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(805): View more from California

I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(519): View more from Ontario

That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(815): View more from Illinois

It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..

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(205): View more from Alabama

Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(217): View more from Illinois

I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(805): View more from California

Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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(530): View more from California

Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line

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(440): View more from Ohio

Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

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(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(614): View more from Ohio

I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

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(563): View more from Iowa

I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.

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(044): View more from

I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before

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(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there

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(602): View more from Arizona

Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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