if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
