Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
