my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
