please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
