I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
