i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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