if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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