Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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