i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
