I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
