Don't you send me to vm
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
