OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
