i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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